so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
