im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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