Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
