the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
