when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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