I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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