Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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