I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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