The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
