I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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