These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
