I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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