i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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