i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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