member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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