My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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