Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
