Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
