i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
