i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
