My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
