He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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