Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
