My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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