so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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