is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
