I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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