My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
