I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
