Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
