i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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