I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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