I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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