Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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