Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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