hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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