I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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