I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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