I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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