She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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