I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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