Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
