I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Houston, we have a blender
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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