life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
