Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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