help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I look better un-naked...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
