Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
