best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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