I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When are your genitals available?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
