Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
