I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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