I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
