sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
